I Could Never Tell You
by dragoon811
Summary: Hotohori's viewpoint on Nuriko, up until his (Hotohori's) death, PLEASE read and review! Arigatou! (some spellinggrammar errors fixed) )


I Could Never Tell ....  
  
Disclaimer: Sorry folks, but I don't own FY, regardless of how much I'd like to! The bishies belong to their creator and yada yada yada!! ^_^.  
  
A/N: Yes, another of my notes...This is rated PG-13 for suicidal thoughts, and a teeny implied dousing of "alternate lifestyles" as some call it. Hell, I'm making these two sweeties as gay as I think they should be, in a very odd, backwards, depressing way. If this offends you in any way, tough. I'm not forcing you to read this. Your browser has a back button. Don't like it? Go away. This is fanfiction.....  
  
Sorry for the rudeness, but I've had enough with the flames. I do this for fun, not for someone to review with a "they r not ghey! U sux as a writorr u shuld not b writing".....  
  
And, yes, it IS that bad. I'm grumpy. ^__^.  
  
Anyways... I AM trying to keep them in character.  
  
PLEASE review, I'd love your nicely-phrased opinion!!! ^_^.  
  
~*~  
  
I've told myself a thousand times that I don't love you. I can't love you – it's wrong. They'd all tell me how wrong it is.  
  
But, no matter how often I try to lie to myself, I can't escape the truth. I thought that if I told myself often enough, I would really believe it.  
  
I do love you. And I can't trust myself to be with you. I hate to cause you pain, your beautiful face sad when you think that I am not watching you.  
  
I know that you love me, and I treasure that, more than you can ever know. But I can never be with you. We'd have to be dead for that to happen...  
  
My life seems to be so much more empty, now that you're not here.  
  
I miss your smile.  
  
Your voice.  
  
Your eyes.  
  
Your hair.  
  
The way you laugh, or come to check on me, thinking that I do not smell your perfume on the breeze, or hear you by my door. I let my hair down just for you, sometimes. I've even spent nights waiting, staring into the mirror, waiting for the shadow that will tell me you're there, just to give you some measure of pleasure.  
  
But now I've lost all of that, haven't I?  
  
You're gone. I felt it...My heart broke.  
  
I knew that it was you even before I got the letter. I imagined later that night that I saw you standing outside my door, smiling sadly.  
  
I can never tell you how I really feel now. I was hoping that once this was all over that I could have somehow found a way to tell you that.  
  
I'm a failure. I couldn't protect my own brother. I can't protect my miko. I couldn't save you.  
  
I couldn't find the courage to tell you that I loved you, and, to me, that is my greatest failure.  
  
And I can't even show any weakness over this. I have to be strong for my people. I need to grieve for you, but they wouldn't understand that.  
  
So, I continue my life, doing what I need to do.  
  
I miss you so much that my heart aches with it. I will never mend from your death...every breath I take is a stabbing pain, a mockery of my life.  
  
~***~  
  
They told me today that the army I've been dreading has finally arrived. You see? I can't even protect my country. I just pray that my wife and child will survive.  
  
I feel like I've betrayed you, too. She looks like you, you know. I think that that is one of the reasons why I chose her.  
  
Some of the others have returned, and I pretend to be alive enough inside to be happy to see them.  
  
But I am dead and cold, like my heart is lying beside you in your snow- covered bier.  
  
I can never tell you what I'm really thinking, except here. I find myself talking to you in my thoughts, as if you could hear me.  
  
I wish you could hear me.  
  
~***~  
  
I have to lead my men into battle. I can feel how scared they are. They're afraid to die.  
  
I can hear them whispering to each other, saying how brave I am, to not be afraid, to lead the column so calmly to our demise.  
  
They don't know that I can't be afraid. I lost my heart already. I don't want to become cold and cruel, so in a morbid way I am glad for this war.  
  
Perhaps we shall all die before the day is done. I hope that some will live. But I don't want them to remember me. Their coward ruler, the failed warrior.  
  
~***~  
  
I face him. He's quite the adversary. He's intimidating, even with that female body seated in front of him in the saddle.  
  
I kick my horse into a gallop, sword drawn, shouting things to make myself look good. I hear the others, calling for me, but I plunge ahead. Maybe I'll actually hit him.  
  
I feel nothing as I am blown backwards, as my body slams into the ground. I don't care any more.  
  
Pale azure light fills my vision until I close my eyes, the pain finally hitting me.  
  
I welcome it.  
  
~***~  
  
The others are around me now, as I open my eyes again. They look so concerned, telling me that I will be fine, that I just need to hold on until the doctor gets here.  
  
No doctor can save me now, not even our god's blessed healer.  
  
My miko calls to me, and I answer softly, my hands holding the picture of all of us. It's dirty, somehow.  
  
None of it seems real as I caress the surface, careful to remove all dirt from your face. You were always so beautiful.  
  
I didn't deserve your love, but you gave it to me so freely, and I was so cruel to you. It brings tears to my eyes as I think of all the chances I had to tell you that I loved you.  
  
She asks me if I want to see my son, and I say that I do.  
  
But what good is a father who can't love?  
  
I keep staring at your smiling face as if that will make all of my guilt go away. It won't.  
  
I close my eyes to welcome my hollow, bitter death.  
  
~***~  
  
At first, all I see if darkness, and think that I have been sent to the hell which I have earned. In fact, I feel hot, and turn, seeing dark shadows reaching for me. I feel like sobbing, my hand reaching out, away from them. I don't want this, I want...  
  
But then light spills over, chasing back the shadows, and a hand clasps mine strongly, pulling me away from the darkness.  
  
I meet your eyes with mine, and choke out a sob as you pull me into your arms.  
  
I know that I am saying things, trying to tell you all at once how sorry I am, how much I love you, but your finger against my lips quiets me and you hold me close, letting me clutch at you as I sob. I have never in my life felt so broken.  
  
Your hand strokes my hair soothingly, and you're humming a tune that I can't place.  
  
I sigh, relaxing my hold on you but not letting you go. I've found you now, and I want to make up for my failures with you, but I feel so warm and tired.  
  
Peaceful, even.  
  
You hold me as I drift off into a kind of sleep, and I am content to lie in your arms, ready to face whatever the afterlife offers us, but one last thought enters my mind, and passes my lips, before I succumb to sleep.  
  
"I love you, Nuriko."  
  
~*~  
  
Yay! I finished! Please, R&R!!! 


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